The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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