this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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