where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
