I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
