he thought i was a dude.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
