You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
