Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
ttyl tear gas
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
