Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize