I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
