So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
