five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
