so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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