Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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