Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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