i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
