She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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