honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
