Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
