When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
