I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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