Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
