he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
