fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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