She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
