I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
