wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
