Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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