My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
