conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
