I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
