I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
