it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
