you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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