You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
