i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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