My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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