You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
