I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
