nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
