Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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