Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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