How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
