Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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