it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
