You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
