be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
