When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
