i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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