I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
