this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
