I accidentally had phone sex last night
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
