They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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