Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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