I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize