I can text with my tongue
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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