Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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